A while...

It's been a while. I have a new picture to post but I am taking a little longer than normal to upload to my computer. I've become lazy :(

Throughout the last month, I've been really busy setting up a new home and life for me and little Noah. It's weird having to deal with all this right now and having to think about having Noah with me in a few months.

I would have never chosen for something like this to happen, but I'm dealing with it and excited to meet my little lovebug!

I have had to make a few decisions over the last week that were really hard. They involved Noah's delivery and how I want to handle that. It certainly isn't anything like what I had orignally planned...but I have to do what is best for me and Noah.

I had a Dr. appointment on Friday and she said she felt everything was okay developmentally. The only worry she had for me was depression. She thought the situation might cause some problems down the road with depression and wanted to take steps now to stop it.

I am depressed.

I thought I was handling everything well and I still think I am but I understand that depression doesn't mean I'm not handling things well, it just means that I need help dealing with my inner emotions as well.

The depression can have an adverse affect on Noah and I don't want that. When she mentioned that there is a small chance of that something clicked in my head. I cannot put myself in situations that make the depression worse. Talking to Eric as often as I was, and believing in him even when he has proved multiple times that I can't isn't good for Noah.

Allowing him to ruin special things like ultrasounds with his presence isn't good either. I don't want him around. He betrayed me so deeply with his actions and words.

From now on, my decisions are based on what I think is best for me and Noah. No one else, including Eric. If he cared he'd be here. That's how I feel.

Dear Noah,
Mommy loves you and is working hard to make sure you can grow up with a loving family who cares about you more than anything in the world.

Love,
Mommy