26 Weeks!

Okay. Belly shot. 26 weeks with about a 10 pound weight gain. Not to shabby, eh? Feeling good and getting lots of bladder shots from Noah. Thanks, son.

Lately...

Thankfully, the contractions have stopped (for the most part). I'm still having Braxton Hicks contractions every once in a while but Noah is safe in the oven. Yay!
The last few weeks have been straining, I'm trying to find a job, dealing with the contractions, and with Eric, who has decided that after a month of silence, he's interested again. I'm afraid this is just a glimpse into what will come for my little Noah.
Recently, I made the decision to change Noah's middle name from Myles to James. I've always wanted to have my dad's name as my child's middle name and I decided that I was going to do that. My dad has really been the only man that I've been able to count on and I want to honor him for being the father to me that he didn't have to be. Noah James is a beautiful name. Noah means wanderer and James means wise. He's my little wise wanderer.
He's kicking all the time, now. I love feeling the little nudges that seem like they're just saying "hey, mom! I'm here!". It gives me a sense of peace because I know he's safe and aware of me. He kicks a whole lot when he hears my voice or Shea's barking.
I already have such a powerful bond with him and I believe that is what pains me about Eric's decisions the most. The bond I share with Noah already is so special and Eric's missing it. It's his choice. I feel like if he truly cared he wouldn't have done the things he did. When he messed around on me, he had to have a little voice telling him that it would mean the end of our marriage and of his being a full-time father to Noah. He told his father right in front of me that he had really thought about what he was doing and was sure of his decision.
I'm excited about getting the nursery ready for Noah. I walk by the room and look at all the clothes I have already and the stroller and car seat and bedding and I can't wait to prepare the room for my special little man.
My cousin Gretchen has two little boys and she's kept all of their clothes and shoes from when they were babies. She lent the stuff to me; 5 Rubbermaid tubs cramed with clothes, shoes, socks, hats etc. It's all 0-12 month stuff. I don't even think he'll be able to wear it all, there's so much of it! And it's adorable stuff that I'll be proud to show him off in ;)

Dear Noah,
Momma is doing everything she can think of to prepare for you, little man! I love you so much and can't wait to meet you!
Love,
Mommy

So, Thursday night/Friday morning was scary. I went to bed at around 10:30 on Thursday night and didn't feel well. I hadn't felt well all day but I just kept kind of ignoring it and chalking it up to being tired.

At midnight I woke up with stomach pains. They were similar to the pain I get when my gall bladder is acting up so I called my mom to let her know, but elected not to go to the hospital. I figured if it got worse I would go then but I didn't want to go if it was nothing.

I couldn't get comfortable in bed and the pain was making it difficult to watch T.V. or read so I got into the shower. Taking a shower always comforts me when I don't feel well and I was hoping the relaxing spray would serve the same purpose this time. However, the pain continued throughout my shower and when I got out I decided to call mom and ask her to take me to the E.R.

The ride to the hospital wasn't bad, I didn't have any pain until I stood up to get out of the car at the hospital. We went inside and I was immediatly registered for the hospital. They took me back and had me change, then took some blood and hooked me up to some monitors. As they were doing that the pain continued and was enough to actually take my breath away.

Finally, the nurse turned to me. She told me she was going to check to see if I was dilated because I was having contractions. I freaked out. I was only 24 weeks pregnant, contractions aren't good.

Turns out, I was dilated to a 1, which isn't to far but also isn't good this early. They hooked me up to an I.V. to stop the contractions and the dilating. The contractions never went away completely, but they became painless and the dilating stopped. Noah was never in any distress so I didn't bother trying to get ahold of Eric. I don't have his number, anyway and there was nothing he could do besides cause more stress. I definitely don't need that.

On a funny note, Noah gave them a run for their money when they were trying to monitor his heartbeat. He was super un-cooperative. They would put the little monitor on him trying to hear his heartbeat and he would turn over so they couldn't hear it. Or he would kick the monitor and that was all you could hear. At one point he kicked it so hard that it slid down my stomach a little bit.

I took it easy this weekend and I'm on medication to keep me from having serious contractions and dilating. It seems to be working, although I've had a few since Friday. I'm making sure to write them down and trying to get rest. I went back to work today, but I've decided that if the contractions start I'll go home. They didn't specifically say "bedrest" but they did say that I needed to try to rest as much as possible.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to blog this or not. I know that there are people who read this that I'm not really keen on knowing this and I don't want to have to deal with the backlash if they do. But it is something that happened to me and when Noah is bigger I want to have this so he can look at it and know everything that happened while I was pregnant with him.

Dear Noah,
I can't wait to meet you but I think you need more baking time, Lovebug. Mommy is doing her best to make sure you are happy and she wants to make sure that when you are born, it is the right time.
Love,
Momma

22 weeks

I said that I would be posting a new picture of myself and my baby bump soon...and here it finally is.
April 8, 2010. 22 weeks. Weight gain, none, yet. Okay, I'd gained a little but I'm just now back up to my pre pregnancy weight. Apparently, divorce can make you lose weight...even if you aren't trying.

A while...

It's been a while. I have a new picture to post but I am taking a little longer than normal to upload to my computer. I've become lazy :(

Throughout the last month, I've been really busy setting up a new home and life for me and little Noah. It's weird having to deal with all this right now and having to think about having Noah with me in a few months.

I would have never chosen for something like this to happen, but I'm dealing with it and excited to meet my little lovebug!

I have had to make a few decisions over the last week that were really hard. They involved Noah's delivery and how I want to handle that. It certainly isn't anything like what I had orignally planned...but I have to do what is best for me and Noah.

I had a Dr. appointment on Friday and she said she felt everything was okay developmentally. The only worry she had for me was depression. She thought the situation might cause some problems down the road with depression and wanted to take steps now to stop it.

I am depressed.

I thought I was handling everything well and I still think I am but I understand that depression doesn't mean I'm not handling things well, it just means that I need help dealing with my inner emotions as well.

The depression can have an adverse affect on Noah and I don't want that. When she mentioned that there is a small chance of that something clicked in my head. I cannot put myself in situations that make the depression worse. Talking to Eric as often as I was, and believing in him even when he has proved multiple times that I can't isn't good for Noah.

Allowing him to ruin special things like ultrasounds with his presence isn't good either. I don't want him around. He betrayed me so deeply with his actions and words.

From now on, my decisions are based on what I think is best for me and Noah. No one else, including Eric. If he cared he'd be here. That's how I feel.

Dear Noah,
Mommy loves you and is working hard to make sure you can grow up with a loving family who cares about you more than anything in the world.

Love,
Mommy

And the winner is....

Neither of the nursery themes I showed everyone before! lol. Last night my mom called me and told me she had found a theme that was what I had originally wanted with the colors and accessories that I had described to her.

The winner?
A B-E-A-utiful construction theme done in dark teal, olive green, chocolate brown and butternut yellow. I LOVE everything about it! The best part? All bedding, diaper holder, toy holder and two window valances were $50. The hamper, lampshade, wall hangings and two curtain panels that are the dark teal color with construction stuff on it were around $75 extra. Not too shabby for everything pictured, lol!

Hopefully it will be here within the next few weeks. I can't wait to get started.

Noah,
I hope that you can sleep well and grow up strong with the things that mommy is picking out for you.
Love you, sweet baby boy!
Momma

Nursery Themes

Since I found out I'm having a boy, mom and I have been searching the internet for nursery themes that I like. I think that I've narrowed it down to two.
The first theme is jungle animals.

I love, love, love this one. I've been really leaning toward the jungle animals for a while now. I love the wall border and the bed spread, but I'm not crazy about the lamp and the mobile...I like opposite things about each theme, lol.

The second theme is an airplane theme.

I really like this theme...I love the mobile and the lamp. I think the bedspread and the theme in general is cute too :)

I've got a little while to think on it but for right now I'm just looking for opinions. I know which one I'm leaning toward, but I want to see what everyone else thinks ;)

Noah, I can't wait to get your room ready for you to sleep in. I can't wait to hold you in my arms! Love, Momma

It's a......

BOY!

I found out yesterday at my ultrasound that my little Lovebug is a little boy ;)

Although I had started wanting a little girl, I'm still excited. I think that little boys are so much fun and I'm sure that Noah will be no exception.

The ultra-sound didn't go quite like I thought it would because it ended up being really last minute. Since moving to Poplar Bluff from Centralia, dealing with the doctor's office has been horrible. Between not being able to get my medical records sent from one office to another and then not being able to get an appointment until April 6th, I was pretty much fed up.

If I would have stayed in Illinois then I would have been having my ultrasound yesterday. I finally got into the doctor and they told me even though I had an order from my old doctor they wouldn't write me a new one. So I called my Aunt Lora and my cousin Gretchen, who incidently was able to get me in (yay!). She knew who to call to see if something could be worked out. It was and I was able to go to my ultrasound.

The (sort of) downer to the situation was that Eric wasn't able to come because the notice was so short. Although I wish that he could have been there to see Noah, I realize now that it was probably better that he wasn't. I still am having a hard time dealing with the conflicting emotions I have every time I see him.

Honestly, I want to hate him. But I can't. The part of me that has loved him for 10 years and been his wife for 4 won't let me. The position I'm in is difficult to say the least. No matter what I do I'm afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing. I want to share these things with him, but when I consider the situation I don't do very well handling everything.

I have to continue to try to make decisions for the baby and myself. I hate that he couldn't be there yesterday because I know he would have liked to be but at the same time I feel that it was probably better that he wasn't.

Dear NOAH,
Right now mommy is trying hard to make decisions that are going to be the best for you. Even when I worry that my decisions aren't the best, know that I love you very much and I'm so excited to meet you!
Love,
Momma


It's a boy! And there, friends, is the proof.

March 8/ 18 weeks

As most readers probably figured out by the last post, Lovebug and I are on our own. Us against the world! and that's okay. This is my 18 week picture taken in my new house in Missouri. Weight gain: 2 pounds.
I can't believe that I'm getting so big...it makes me nervous to think that I am almost half way and I'm already this big :)

Dear Lovebug,

When you were in mommy's tummy, mommy and daddy made a decision they believed would be best for you. Although we loved you more than anything in this world, we realized that we didn't love each other anymore.

Sometimes, mommies and daddies do this. It is not something they choose or want but sometimes, lovebug, it is the way things are.

This does not change our love for you. Although you may not be with both of us all the time, you will always have someone there who will love you and guide you with every hope being that you grow strong, beautiful and happy. That is all mommy and daddy want for you. We want you to be happy.

I know that you don't understand now what has happened. Someday, when you are old enough you will understand. You will fall in love and my every hope for you is that you can have the very best life with that person.

We love you, little lovebug.

My little Flutterbug!

     Wow!  I can't believe I waited so long to update!  I should be ashamed of myself ...especially since I've had a few neat things happen :)  Good thing I'm good about writing down dates!

     On February 23 (I was 16 weeks), I was laying on the couch (I do that every night now...more about that later) and I felt a little flutter sensation.  It felt like when someone is playing the drums on your arms with their fingers.  It lasted for several minutes and then happened again later.  I was so excited!  I've thought that maybe I'd felt the baby move in the past, but I realize now that it probably wasn't the same thing.  

     I didn't really feel much consistently after that but the last few days (especially if I'm laying still) I feel the baby move :)  It's a wonderful sensation!

     Secondly, my back and lower abdomen freaking hurt at night.  This is one of those things that no one thinks to tell you about BEFORE you are pregnant.  I normally spend my time after dinner cuddled up on the couch with a heating pad.  Eric has been really sweet about it, I think because he realizes that I'm in pain.  It's not like "killing" pains, but they are pretty uncomfortable.

     After a few nights of this I called the doctor and they said it is stretching ligaments and my uterus getting larger to accommodate the baby.  Apparently, a lot of moms complain about this when they are about 16 weeks along.  Yeah! 

Dear LoveBug,

Mommy is glad to feel you!  Thank you for fluttering around and letting mom know that you are alive and kickin!  I can't wait to see you again on March 18th!

  I don't really have a lot to talk about lately.  Everything has been pretty normal, nothing exciting.  We are going home to see my mom this weekend and my cousin is going to let me use some of her maternity shirts.  I'm pretty excited about that, hopefully there will be some that fit so that I don't have to buy a lot. 

     After getting our taxes done last night I cried for like three hours.  Because of something I did wrong when I filled out my paperwork at Leopold, I apparently ow federal like $465 dollars.  I almost died.  Then when we left, Eric told me that we still have to pay our $375 property tax bill from Missouri.   

     Apparently, even if you only lived there for like 5 months (like we did) you still have to pay for a full year of property taxes.  That's a lot of money that frankly, we don't have.  I have $350 from savings to put toward it and the rest we'll just have to save.  We don't want to end up

having to create a payment plan...that would suck more money out of us in interest.

     I've decided after some thought today that I will not "borrow trouble" as my mom put it.  I will worry about to day and plan for tomorrow but not dwell on it.  We will have the money when April rolls around, God will provide for both Eric and I and our little Love bug.

    

Dear Lovebug,

Mommy is excited to meet you and will do everything she can to make sure you are well provided for.  

Love you.

Crib!

The sports writer at the Sentinel told me a while ago that he and his wife had a crib they would sell me, matress included for $125.  I was actually excited and it seemed like a good deal so Eric and I took advantage of it.  The crib is about 3 years old and was only slept in once because the baby ended up co-sleeping with them.  

I purposely haven't looked at cribs a lot because I didn't want to have an image stuck in my head and be disappointed.  However, he sent me a picture and I'm really excited about it.  I think it will be wonderful and it will match the furniture that Eric's cousin is giving us. ;)

The crib comes with the mattress, but obviously everything else in the picture is theirs and they are keeping it ;)

This is the picture that was sent to me but it was taken with a camera phone so the image doesn't convert as well.

I got on the internet and did a search for metal, white cribs and this one came up in several places for about what he told me was the original price.  It looks pretty much identical to me so I decided to post this picture so that there would be a better one for people to look at.  I think it's really pretty ;)

Baby Quiz!

About the mommy!

Name:  Cassie
Age: 24
First child? Yup!

About the daddy!

Name:  Eric
Age: 25
First child? Yup!

Finding out!!

What day did u find out? Tuesday, December 7, 2009
How did u feel when u found out? There was such a mixture of emotions that it's hard to describe...we've wanted a baby for so long!
Who was with u? I was by myself in the bathroom and Eric was in the living room.  
Who was the first peson u told? Eric and then my mom.
How did they react? My mom was so shocked that I hung up with her within like 2 minutes.  I thought she was mad or something!  Then, I think it hit her, and she called back yelling "I'm gonna be a grandma!"
How did the daddy react? Eric was in disbelief.  We had waited so long and taken so many tests that were negative, I don't think he understood at first

Telling the grandparents!

How did ur parents react? See the above :)
How did his parents react? He called and told his mom at 11:30 at night.  She was already in bed and I don't think it registered until she got up the next morning :)
Are they helping with baby names? Nope.  They are happy with them, though.
Have they bought anything for the baby yet? My mom and dad bought the baby a little Cardinals outfit and a onesie (that's for a girl)
How often do they call to check on u? I talk to mom everyday and Eric talks to his parents a bit more sporadically. 

About the pregnancy!

When was ur first appointment? Dec. 23
When is ur due date?  August 9, 2010
How far along r u? 14 weeks 4 days
Pre-pregnancy weight? Okay...I'll suck it up...210
Weight now? 205...I lost five pounds!  Can't figure out why though.
Have u had an ultrasound? Yup!  On Dec. 23
Have u heard the heartbeat? It was amazing!
What was the heartbeat? 182
Sex of the baby! Not sure yet :)  
What do u want? I don't really care...I just want health
What does the daddy want? Daddy wants a boy.  He'd be more than happy with a girl though!
What do u think u r having? I think a girl...not sure why...just do!

About the birth!

Do u know what u r taking with u? Not yet...haven't thought that much about it.

Who is going to be with u? Mom and Eric
Are u going to videotape it? NO
Natural or medicated? Probably medicated.
Do u think u will need a c-section? I hope not...but if so okay!
Will u cry with u hold ur baby for the first time? I'm sure I will
Do u know what u will say to the baby when u first hold him/her? No... 
Are u scared about the labor? Not really.  Women have done it for thousands of years :)

Names!!

Do u have a name picked out? Yup!
Girl names: Gabriella Alyse
Boy names: Noah Myles
Is ur baby going to be named after someone? Alyse is sorta after my middle name.  It's a variation of it: Adealia.

Other random questions!!

Where was ur baby conceived? At home.
Have you felt the baby move? I think so...but not consistently
What race will your baby have? From you and daddy? White...
Do you have stretch marks? I had them before I got pregnant.
What was your first symptom? My sense of smell was really heightened.
What religion will the baby know? And from what side? Christianity from both sides...
What music or interests do you want the baby to know? I think we'll be happy exposing the baby to anything we can and letting them decide when they are old enough.
Will ur baby have godparents? Probably not...
What is the baby's room theme? For a boy, something with blue and yellow...nautical maybe.  For a girl:  Garden.
What was the first thing u bought for the baby? A stuffed bear.
Are u ready to be a mommy? I think so :)

14 Weeks/ February 8

So...14 Weeks.  Weight gain-1 pound, as of yesterday.  Shea decided that she hadn't been in enough pictures so she investigated.  I'm actually surprised that she hasn't gotten in one sooner, she's kind of my little shadow.  

Feb. Checkup

I had a monthly checkup yesterday.  No biggie, just coming in and saying "I'm Great!" and then discussing weight gain, blood pressure, etc.

My doctor is happy with my lack of weight gain (so far).  She told me between 15 and 20 pounds is where I should be.  I didn't like that they measured my BMI to be larger than it really is...for some reason their scale weighs me 10 pounds heavier than ANY other scale.  Like, Eric and I have to go get checked out at a health fair every year for insurance and their scale NEVER reads me as heavy as the Dr. office.  Our home scale doesn't either.  So I didn't like that.

My blood pressure was 120/80, which she didn't like.  She preferred it be 120/70 and I don't think it will ever happen.  My blood pressure has ran at 120/80 since I was a little kid...but I'm taking it twice a day and keeping a journal to keep her happy.

I got to hear the baby's heartbeat today, just barely.  It was MUCH clearer with the internal ultrasound, but I could still make it out.  The doctor said the baby was running away from her which is part of the reason that I had a hard time hearing it.

I go back on March 4th for another check up and we get the 20 week ultrasound to find out gender on March 18th!  I'm so excited ;)  I think that it's a girl (and no, I don't WANT a girl necessarily I just think it is...) but Eric really wants a boy.  I am truly on the fence.  Several family members want a girl, but I really don't care... I just want health.

So...every one sees the baby bump.

It's not time for my 4 month picture until Monday, but I took this one on Monday night and I think it's obvious...I've popped.  On BabyCenter.com everyone keeps telling people who say they are showing that it's just bloating.  I don't think that's bloating and if it is I'm really worried because that's a LOT of BLOATING!

I'm to the point where getting on there just makes me mad anyway.  I don't think the people realize it but they are SO negative!  If you dare disagree with them, even respectfully, it feels like you get attacked.  It's addictive, but I think I'm going to quit looking at the message boards.

There hasn't really been too much new lately in prego world, except that my maternity jeans now fit.  But that's because I'm "bloated", right?  Yeah.  It gets annoying when people tell you that.  Luckily, the people in my everyday life are much more positive and supportive and don't say stupid things like that to me.  It's not like I started wearing maternity at 10 weeks and said I looked like I was 5 months!  A lot of people on there did.

On a good note, the second trimester has started and I feel SO different :)  I'm not nearly as tired and  I feel so much better!  I was beginning to wonder if I would ever feel rested again.  Now, I've got three (roughly) months until the third trimester and then I will quite possibly never sleep again.  I've accepted it.

Dear Lovebug,

I love you.

Momma

Weekend ;)

This weekend was full of wonderful things.  Eric and I had a great time on Saturday shopping for clothes for me (maternity stuff = yuck) and then we registered for baby stuff at Target.  We went into Babies R Us but didn't register for anything.  

Obviously our registry isn't really done or anything, but we got some cute stuff.

I had a great time with Eric...he is usually not the best shopper but Saturday he was patient and just a wonderful person to be around.  I was thankful for that day because it reminds me of all the qualities that I love about Eric.

On Sunday I didn't feel very well, but we went grocery shopping and played with Shea.  I laid down for a little nap on Sunday afternoon and, while I didn't feel much better when I woke up, the nap was still nice.

Today when I woke up I didn't feel much better.  My stomach is upset and my head hurts and I'm achy all over.  I really just want to call it a day at work, but I've got a lot to do.  I shouldn't even be writing this blog but I wanted to document the fun time that Eric and I had this weekend.

Lovebug,

Daddy and I had a great time this weekend looking for special things for you.  Take care, baby ;)

Love, Momma

Twins....

Okay, as a pre-note, if I ever find out I'm having twins, I'll make a point to delete this post...but until that time- tiny little rant.

I AM NOT HAVING TWINS!  I do not see twins as a possible "blessing".  Eric and I are working hard enough to provide for  ONE baby, let alone two.  I think it is so interesting that people who don't have children, or those who don't have twins would think it would be SO AWESOME for me to have them.  Of course it's awesome for me to have them.... YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THEM!

I guess I'm being a little stupid but I am so sick of people making comments about twins.  Even when I say "no we're not, the Dr. checked" I hear stuff like "oh, they might be hiding".  Take the hint people... I DON'T WANT TWINS!  No one in mine and Eric's position would!  I'm not saying that if it happened I wouldn't be okay with it, but honestly I'd probably cry first.  And I wouldn't be happy at first.  Sorry if that makes me a bad person.

The only people that think twins would be awesome are people who aren't at a risk for having them (because they are too old, young, etc.) and the rest of us really wouldn't enjoy that little "blessing" at first.  Do people even realize the birth risks with twins?  Miscarriage risks, bed rest, longer maternity leave and recovery from birth, premature births, birth defects, etc.  Why would anyone want that for a first time mother?  When you say that to someone who is pregnant, you aren't making a "cute" comment- you might be really making a comment that bugs them.  Unless you are really close to the other person, you shouldn't say things like that.  And even if you are close...keep the twin thing to a minimum.  

When I first told my friend Tessa about my twin dream, she and I talked about it and I wasn't annoyed with her at all about the "twin" thing- because I brought it up to her and she didn't gush about how "awesome" that would be.  If I don't bring it up to you- then I don't want to talk or think about it.

There have been so many things going on lately, and my lazy self hasn't gotten around to writing anything.

After my last review at work, I have not been quite so adamant to write anything personal because I've been focusing my time on writing things for work.  However, right now I'm in the mood and aside from an act of God (or something else falling on my desk) I am going to finish this blog entry.

Last weekend (Jan 16th and 17th) we went home to visit our family and friends.  On Saturday I spent the day with my mom.  We went shopping!  It's been a while since we did something like that and I had a great time.  We looked at a few baby things but mostly just wondered the mall enjoying spending time together ;)

This past week at work was hectic and (of course) I've been exhausted.  One new development came on Thursday when I woke up and my favorite jeans no longer buttoned.  I had just worn them on Monday and then washed them.  Before they fit perfectly after the wash and I wore them all the time.  When I put them on on Thursday and they were so snug, I immediately weighed myself thinking that I must have overindulged...after all, I'm only...12 weeks.

But I had not gained anything at all- in fact I'd lost two pounds.  I find it hilarious that I couldn't lose weight at all when I wasn't pregnant and now I can't seem to keep it on.

I guess my jeans were tight because I've started showing.  Not showing like "everyone sees the baby bump" showing but showing enough that I can tell.

I checked several places on the internet and they said that some people "show" as early as 10 weeks.  I felt better after that :)

LoveBug,

Mommy loves laying in bed at night thinking about who you are.  I can't wait to meet you :)  I'm excited to see you grow.

Love you!

Mommy

Sleepy Monster!

The past few weeks the pregnancy exhaustion has really caught up with me.  I can't seem to get enough sleep.  I'm praying that since I'm at the end of my first trimester (only two more weeks to go!) that pretty soon this tiredness will fade for a few months.  I know that it will be back and worse than ever in my third trimester but I'm focusing on the "one day at a time" aspect of this right now.

I think Eric really realized just how tired I am when he got home at 8:00 last night and I was already in bed.  This morning he tried to wake me up by biting my ear (really?) and all I could do was just grunt at him and push him away.  It's weird for me because I've always, always, always been a morning person.  I'm someone who wakes up and is ready to jump out of bed and go.  Lately, not only can I not seem to get enough sleep, I also can't seem to get out of bed in the mornings.  

I suppose I should feel lucky, I don't have morning sickness (most of the time)- just loss of appetite, which to me is almost as bad.  I know that I need to eat but I really don't want to.  And then I'm tired.  More than just tired, I'm exhausted.  

Dear LoveBug,

Mommy is tired but she loves you!  Thank you for being such a wonderful little buggy in mommy's tummy.

Love you! 

Baby Daddy

Although I just posted about work stress, I just remembered something really sweet that I needed to post.

When I found out I was pregnant and asked Eric to go with me to the Dr.'s Appointments, he was reluctant.  I told him that he didn't have to go to all of them but the one's where I had an ultrasound and stuff like that would be good.  He agreed.

At our last appointment, we had our ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeat.  The Dr. explained that we would hear the heart beat at every appointment because they do that to make sure that everything is still fine with the baby.

Last night when we went to bed Eric laid his head on my stomach and told me to be quiet.  I wondered what he was doing and then realized that he was trying to hear the babies heartbeat.  I told him that it probably wouldn't work because the baby is buried in there pretty good but inside it warmed my heart because I realized that Eric is really excited.  Then he said that it didn't matter if he could hear the heartbeat he just wanted to be close so the baby could hear him.   He's not someone that expresses himself a lot but last night I realized that inside he is really excited about this.

Then he told me that he had talked to his boss and told him he needed to be off for Dr.'s appointments.  He told me he wanted to go so he could hear the heartbeat.  It made me so happy :)

Work stress

  Today hasn't been the greatest day.  Dealing with work drama has made me stressed and my head is killing me.

  I feel lucky to have a job in this economy.  I feel lucky that this job is doing something that I enjoy, and not standing behind a cash register getting yelled at all day.  However, on days like today and yesterday, I just want to leave early and go home.  The only problem with that is that I would like to walk into a clean home and because I'm so exhausted, clean home doesn't exist.  Only messy home.  It would be nice if Eric was off to help me pick up but he works every night until at least 6 and when he gets home neither of us feel like doing anything.

  I also had my 90 day review at work today (20 days late) and was denied a raise.  It bothered me.  I will be the first to admit that there have been a few weeks where I have just failed at my byline quota.  But there have also been a few weeks where I've written stuff that for one reason or another didn't get used.  I don't feel like I was "reviewed" by my performance quite as fairly as I could have been.  I feel like maybe they just looked at the past month instead of looking at the last three months as a whole.

  But maybe I'm just pouting because I've never really had a bad review.

  I know that this is a pregnancy journal but these things are stressing me out and making the side effects of being pregnant worse.  Like, I haven't had morning sickness at all but I've been sick all day and I really believe it is because of everything at work.

  That and getting denied that raise really puts a dent in our funds for this month and we need to put as big of a dent in bills as we can so that we are financially stable when the baby arrives.  There are so many things that we need and although it seems early, August will be here SO quickly.  

Lovebug,

  Mommy loves you.  I'm sorry that I've been so sick lately...I'll try to relax so that I can take better care of you.

9 weeks/ Jan. 8

Here is my picture for this month- 9 weeks along. I'm not showing to normal people but my doctor told me yesterday that the bump on my tummy could be me showing a little. He said that some women just show faster than others :)

Part of it is fluff, though.
I'm fluffy not fat ;)
My hooters sure are bigger, though.
I've been working really hard to "maintain" my weight until it's the right time to start gaining. I thought I was doing great staying the same but when the doctor weighed me I had lost 4 pounds! He said that was fine and normal, even if I don't have morning sickness :)

1st Ultrasound!

Today was my first "official" visit to the doctor. After a routine pap smear (it had been over a year) I got to have my first internal ultrasound. Eric waited in the waiting room until the ultrasound. I was so excited to see my love bug!


I've known that lovebug was there but to see the baby, see the heartbeat and watch lovee move was amazing.


The doctor started by checking to make sure that LoveBug was lone ranger (yep, thankfully!) and then he showed us the heartbeat. 182 beats per minute - perfect, according to the doctor. He took several pictures, and right before he quit he showed us that the baby was moving! It was so neat to watch our baby move right in front of our eyes.

Dear LoveBug,

Mommy loved meeting you today. You are so special! I'm already impatient to hold you in my arms. Keep growing, my little love.

Momma

Today I have a doctor appointment at 1:45.  I assumed they would tell me the results of the three-hour glucose test then, but this morning I got a phone call telling me that my test results were in and they were NORMAL!!! 

Yay!  I don't have gestational diabetes.  I'm really excited.  I'll post more later about the actual doctors appointment.

Lovee,

I'm doing everything I can to make sure that you are healthy and happy little lovebug.  Love you,

Momma

Dear Lovebug,

For the last three nights mommy has dreamed that there are two of you in there.  If there is only one of you please quit making mommy crazy by making her think subconsciously there are two of you.  

Love, Mommy

So, as you can see from the above letter, I have dreamed for the last three nights that I am having twins.  If this is true, I think I will cry.  I woke up last night in a panic and then remembered that a friend that knew my biological family told me that twins run in that family.  REALLY!?  

I don't mean to sound like I wouldn't be happy.  No matter how many babies are in there 1 or 2 or 3...whatever, I would be happy if they were healthy.  It would just change a lot of things.  A whole lot.

Eric and Cass plus 10???? No thank you.

New Years!

New Year's eve was different this year.  First, we didn't have the same group of friends to celebrate with and second neither Eric or I brought in the new year with a sip of champaign (although we haven't done that the last two years either, so it's really not different).

I obviously didn't drink (unless you count Pepsi, which I kind of do because it's the most caffeine I've had in a while) but had a great time anyway.  I've never been someone that needs to drink to enjoy myself :)

Eric and I went to a party in Greenville at a friends home.  It was the first time I've met this friends wife, Rachel and her friend, Jamie.  It was nice to get to talk to other women.  Since we moved here the only other girl friend I've made turned out to be not such a great friend.  I really miss female companionship.  Don't get me wrong, I love talking to L and J when I'm at work but they are working too so we aren't really "friends" just "work associates".  I guess.  I would like to be friends but I'm unsure of what lines there are in the workplace.

Anyway, despite there being a little bit of smoke that annoyed me, I had a great time hanging out and playing games and talking.  The food was good too.

Dear Love Bug,

Mommy loves you and wants you to know that although I may not be able to give you everything and anything that you want, I can give you health when you are born.  I'm working hard to do that for you Lovee.

Love you lots!

Momma 

Today I had the three hour test for glucose and it just plain sucked.  The disgusting sugary drink tasted even worse this time, as I had to drink over twice as much as I did the first time.  I though for sure that I was going to throw up.  Then, I had to sit there for not three (like I'd thought originally) but FIVE hours.  It really sucked.  The sitting was almost as bad as being stuck with a needle four times.  Today has, in general, sucked.

Everyone seems to want to post on facebook about being pregnant and stuff like that.  I don't really know if I'm going to make a big deal about it like others have or not.  I'm really excited and proud, but I don't want to be one of "those" people.  I thought I might post a picture of me holding up the "I'm going to be a mommy!" shirt I got for Christmas and have a status change that says something like "Pictures speak louder than words...especially profile pictures.

Suggestions, comments anyone?

Dear Lovebug, 

I would really appreciate your cooperation in helping mommy not have to get up every hour and a half to pee.  I know that you are just a little, tiny baby but mommy needs her sleep seeing as she won't be getting any when you get here because you are going to be too amazing.

Love you! 

So I got a call from the doctor today.  My glucose tested a little high so they are wanting to do another test tomorrow.  This one takes three hours.  Yuck.

Anyway, she said something about fasting helping get better readings, and I didn't say anything but I fasted for the last one.  Hopefully, the three hour test will have better readings because I don't want to have to deal with the diabetes aspect of this.  If I have to, though, I'll deal with it.  There is no sense in getting worked up about something that millions of women deal with all the time.

Dear Lovebug,

Mommy is sorry that you will be hungry tomorrow morning.  Please continue to take it easy on mommy's tummy.

Love you.

Wow...really?

I was recently on babycenter.com and I read a journal post from this woman that was freaking out because she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant since *gasp* October (!) and she wasn't pregnant yet.

I mean, really?

Eric and I tried for 17 months. I tend to really not feel sorry for people who freak out after not trying for very long. Maybe I'm mean because of that and I remember being frustrated after like 5 months, but I don't remember being so mad that I posted on a message board for the attention.

It's just not my style.

Note to lovebug: Thank you for the lack of sickness. Mommy loves being able to get up in the morning with a smile on her face and no sicky in her tummy. Please continue, little love bug. Mommy will promise to stay away from eggs since she knows you don't like them. Kisses and hugs.

1st Dr. Visit

Today Eric and I went for a consultation with the doctor.  We talked about different questions about pre-natal care, took down family history and then I had blood work done.

Yay, me!  

Right.

Anyway, everything seems normal so far and we talked about normal weight gain for someone my size and different things like that.  Neither Eric or I have ever had a lot of health problems or even had surgery so everything was a new experience for us.

I'm excited about the holidays because we are going to tell Eric's grandparents about the baby.  We bought them Christmas cards and signed them Love, Eric, Cassie and baby Wineman and then taped a little gummy bear in the card with an arrow pointing toward it that says "this is how big I am".  It's a cute idea and I hope they like it.

Anyway, Happy Holidays to everyone and I hope your Christmas is amazing :)

Love Bug doesn't like eggs...

I have felt pretty lucky thus far, in that I haven't felt an overwhelming urge to vomit.  A few times I've been nauseous but not to the point of hurling my guts.  

That changed on Saturday when I got up.  I already had a headache (I was Oh, SO Happy-seeing as I can't take any thing for it) so when Eric offered to cook breakfast, I told him I'd start with some toast then we'd see.  I got to the kitchen before him and put the bread in the toaster then went to the bathroom.  While I was in there, Eric started cooking eggs.  I re-entered the kitchen where I promptly smelled the stench of eggs cooking (curiously, something that I used to enjoy) and made a mad dash for the bathroom before I hurled the contents of my empty stomach onto the floor.  Thankfully, I made it.

I now understand morning sickness and since that time have experienced it whenever I'm a) hungry b) smelling something ick c) sleeping and hungry.

Thanks LoveBug for letting mommy know you're there.

Love.

Love bug loves Oranges!

Today, I feel much better.  Although I continued to cramp last night, I took a warm bath (I used our thermometer to make sure the water never got above 100 degrees...don't wanna cook the baby) and the bath seemed to help.  I rested and slept pretty well, and so far today, I haven't had any cramps.  Yay!

Last night I dreamed that my baby was talking to me and asking me to eat more oranges (pwease, momma, pwease).  I believe that it is possible it is my subconscious telling me that eating oranges will help keep me from getting the cold that seems to be going around the office (and, incidentally my house).

Well, lovebug, I listened.  I grabbed an orange on the way out of the house this morning, only to get to work to discover unappatizing seeds inside.

Sorry, little bug, but seeds are gross.  I have tried to prevail, but have instead resorted to orange juice.  Only the best for my lovebug.

Tiny little rant...

Okay, tiny little rant.  

I'm registered on babycenter.com and I check the August Birthday Club almost daily because the women on there are due around the same time that I am.  My due date (as of right now) is August 9th so I'm further along than many of the women in there.

Today they were already talking about showing.  Showing?  Really?  At 7 weeks?  Unless they are normally a size 0 that is a little ridiculous, considering the baby is the size of a lentil bean and their uterus is still the size of a fist.  YOU ARE NOT SHOWING PEOPLE!  You're bloated.  Duh!  It's a normal symptom of pregnancy.  Even the moderator broke in and told them that and they ignored her, saying, "I've already had to buy maternity clothes because my jeans don't fit."  If their jeans don't fit now, they were probably too tight before.  Idiots.

I love how some of them have even posted pics, with their backs arched as far as they could get them...and they were obviously straining.  The moderator reminded them that if they are truly showing, their stomaches will be hard.

I know that this is kind of a dumb post but it was really bothering me.  Everyone is excited, but come on!  Use common sense, or at least read the stupid newsletter they email to you everyday!

Called the doctor and she said it was probably just growing pains.  She said to make sure I kept close watch for bright red spotting and to call ASAP if that happens or the pain gets worse.  I'm still a little nervous that there is something wrong, but I'm know the doctor knows best.

So, for now, all is well :)

Presto: Baby book

Also, I was just thinking about how when everything is said and done it might be nice to have a copy of this blog. A hard copy in case anything ever happens.  I was thinking about that and I noticed that at the bottom of the page after I posted my last post there was a link to take me to a page where I can have my blog make into a book and then buy it.

The URL is:  http://blog2print.sharedbook.com/blogworld/printmyblog/index.html

Awesome.  I'm so doing that.

Hmm...

So the last few days I've had slight cramping in my low pelvic region.  It's not constant...just every once in a while...but I have to admit it makes me nervous.  I haven't called the doctor or anything because I don't want to sound like a nutcase but I've decided if I have another cramp, I'm calling.  I had a light spotting issue this weekend, but it was just once and there was really barely anything there- I wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't so anal.

I've looked online and found that many women say this is normal during the first trimester and that it could be several things.  I don't care what they say, I'm scared.  I find myself praying over and over "Please let this be normal, please let this be normal."

God, please let this be normal.

Nursery Themes

Things are pretty normal.  Besides feeling a little nauseous (not really too bad, yet...nothing to really complain about) I'm all right.  Today is 6 weeks :) 

Eric and I talked about nursery themes this weekend.  My mom is giving me the baby stuff from when I was a baby (curtains, blankets, bumper pads etc) so we are trying to come up with themes that go with them.  

The stuff is white and yellow check and very cute.  For a boy we've decided to do a John Deere theme.  We can add hints of green and little tractors.

However, when it comes to a girl we're having a little trouble coming up with ideas.  We'll use the yellow and white checked stuff but that's all we've got.  One thing that I know is that I do NOT want to do anything Winnie the Pooh related.  It's just not really my thing.

If anyone has any suggestions please suggest!!

Names

We've been talking since WAY before I got pregnant about what we would like to name our kids.  Even though I'm still not far along, we've already decided what we want to name our baby.

Boy: Noah Myles

Girl: Gabriella Alyse

Noah has always been a name that we've both loved.  We've never met a Noah before (no horror stories if you have please) so it's a name that comes without a judgement from us.  Miles was the middle name of one of Eric's school friends and he always thought it was a cool name.  When we were trying to come up with a middle name for Noah nothing sounded right.  Jokingly I suggested Nigel and it must have clicked something in Eric's brain because he kind of yelled, "Myles!"  I liked it.

As far as girl names, Eric and I have always loved the name Gabriella.  When we were considering names, we realized that although we know someone named Gabrielle, she is an amazing friend and I don't think I'd mind my daughter sharing her name.  Of course, we'll shorten it to Gabi.  Eric suggested Alyse and when I looked at the meaning I found that it came from Adelaide, which is what my middle name (Adealia) comes from.  It seemed to fit.

So there it is.  Our ideas on what we want to name our baby.  While we realize that it's possible we might change these names we're both pretty set on them.

Name game

Today has been exhausting.  It seems like I can't get enough sleep.  I've been going to bed as early as I can but it hasn't really helped.  Hopefully, things will get a little better before the baby bump makes it hard to sleep.  

Last night Eric and I played the name game.  Although we've always had an idea of what we would like to name our kids (boy or girl) we have been thinking about other names as well.  I think both of us realize now that the names we pick aren't hypothetical anymore, but will become the identity of someone we both already love.

We have tons more time to think about it but last night we just kinda played around with a few things.  We also talked about child care.  Both of us are nervous, not just because of the cost, but because we want to find someone that is good to our child.  Unfortunately, the area we live in isn't exactly demographically rich.  We've got time but we've decided to begin the search now so that when the time comes we aren't scrambling.

5 Weeks

On December 8th I took a picture of myself at 5 weeks.  No baby bump.  Obviously, it's just belly flab- mostly normal but somewhat bloated- Doc. says that's normal.  But I told my mom that I would take a picture of myself month to month on the same day every month.  It's not the best picture of me.  I hate how I'm standing but it serves its purpose :)

I've also realize that my boobs are huge.  They were huge before they swelled up (a cup size already) but now they are massive.  Crap.

Finding out

Life is good.  Really good.

The past few weeks I've been really tired.  All the time.  I just can't seem to get enough rest, no matter what I do.  It occurred to me on Monday that I'm also late.  When L. and J. started asking me if I was pregnant I realized that it might be a possibility.  

When Eric got home I convinced him to go with me to Walmart to pick up a test.  On the way home, I reminded him that we've been trying for two years and every test I've ever taken was negative, so it was a very real possibility this one might be too.  

"If I come out of the bathroom crying, ignore me," I said. "Just look away and don't make fun of me.  I can't handle that."

He agreed and we went home.  

As I was sitting waiting on the results, I noticed that two lines were coming up instead of my normal one.  I ran out of the bathroom clutching the test, crying.  True to his word, Eric looked away and didn't say anything.  

"No, you don't understand," I wailed and pushed the test at him.

He looked at it and said, "Cass, I can't read this crap....what!"  I guess he figured it out (the instructions are printed right there, after all).

As of Monday, December 7,  I'm 5 weeks pregnant.  

I honestly had gotten to the point where I thought those words would always be an impossibility for me.  Eric and I have tried unsuccessfully for almost two years.  I have realized that it wasn't until I was at peace with the idea that it happened.  

Of course, I called my mom first because I always told her she would be the first person to know when I was having a baby.  At first she was sho

cked.  She was really quiet and almost sounded strained.  I was afraid she was upset when I hung up with her but then she called back like two minutes later and said, "I'm gonna be a Grandma!"  

Yup.

I realize that not everyone can have children.  I have had friends tell me that this isn't true...that all women can have children if they want it badly enough.  Being adopted by someone that can't have kids has taught me that those people probably didn't know what they were talking about.

I am fully aware that the timing isn't the best.  Financially we're struggling because of the pay cut I took when we moved ($1200 a month is a lot).  We are also working on trying to fix a broken relationship.  Although I feel that we have made progress I can only hope that this pregnancy continues to be a miracle to us and that parenthood agrees with us as a team.

My mom told me that I should keep a regular thought journal.  I have therefore decided to create this blog so that for the next 8.5 months this will be my record keeper.

As far as my thoughts go...aside from beginning to feel nauseous, I'm feeling amazing.