Finding out

Life is good.  Really good.

The past few weeks I've been really tired.  All the time.  I just can't seem to get enough rest, no matter what I do.  It occurred to me on Monday that I'm also late.  When L. and J. started asking me if I was pregnant I realized that it might be a possibility.  

When Eric got home I convinced him to go with me to Walmart to pick up a test.  On the way home, I reminded him that we've been trying for two years and every test I've ever taken was negative, so it was a very real possibility this one might be too.  

"If I come out of the bathroom crying, ignore me," I said. "Just look away and don't make fun of me.  I can't handle that."

He agreed and we went home.  

As I was sitting waiting on the results, I noticed that two lines were coming up instead of my normal one.  I ran out of the bathroom clutching the test, crying.  True to his word, Eric looked away and didn't say anything.  

"No, you don't understand," I wailed and pushed the test at him.

He looked at it and said, "Cass, I can't read this crap....what!"  I guess he figured it out (the instructions are printed right there, after all).

As of Monday, December 7,  I'm 5 weeks pregnant.  

I honestly had gotten to the point where I thought those words would always be an impossibility for me.  Eric and I have tried unsuccessfully for almost two years.  I have realized that it wasn't until I was at peace with the idea that it happened.  

Of course, I called my mom first because I always told her she would be the first person to know when I was having a baby.  At first she was sho

cked.  She was really quiet and almost sounded strained.  I was afraid she was upset when I hung up with her but then she called back like two minutes later and said, "I'm gonna be a Grandma!"  

Yup.

I realize that not everyone can have children.  I have had friends tell me that this isn't true...that all women can have children if they want it badly enough.  Being adopted by someone that can't have kids has taught me that those people probably didn't know what they were talking about.

I am fully aware that the timing isn't the best.  Financially we're struggling because of the pay cut I took when we moved ($1200 a month is a lot).  We are also working on trying to fix a broken relationship.  Although I feel that we have made progress I can only hope that this pregnancy continues to be a miracle to us and that parenthood agrees with us as a team.

My mom told me that I should keep a regular thought journal.  I have therefore decided to create this blog so that for the next 8.5 months this will be my record keeper.

As far as my thoughts go...aside from beginning to feel nauseous, I'm feeling amazing.